Up until this point in my life, I never ever thought I'd be saying this, but I think I actually miss being 20 years old.
At the time, I absolutely hated it. It was the first time in my entire life that I'd finally started to understand who I really was. I was also in the middle of what (I thought) was expected of me and what I actually wanted. Most people have a hard time finding both of those things. I had a hard time finding what I wanted to do with the information.
At the same time, I was dealing with trying to get over my first real broken heart. Most of the time, I really don't like to think about it but I suppose if it never happened, I don't think I'd look back at that point in my life and really miss it.
In my desperation, I could never stand to be alone. I made friends. I went out too much. I didn't take things too seriously. I tried to make it impossible to let myself be alone long enough to start thinking. I even caught my first whiff of independence when I planned, booked, and went on my first non-family vacation with my best friend at the time.
I did so many things back then that was just so destructive. It amazes me how much growing I did in such a short time, but when I think of how childish I became before I started learning, I guess it makes more sense. I tell myself that I'd never go back to that again, but it comes out from time to time and I think mostly because I start to forget to think about what I really have going for me.
I didn't back then and that's the stupidest mistake I ever made.
I had friends that would bend over backwards for me to make sure I never felt alone. People that I really could depend on whenever I needed them and for whatever reason. I can't believe I was so obsessed with why boys I didn't actually care about didn't like me when I had so many important people in my life that did.
That's what I miss the most. Having friends. Texting one person at 11pm on a weeknight and having at least four people show up to your favorite spot to hang out with you through late night happy hours. I had nothing to worry about back then, yet I felt the need to worry about everything. I really wish I wasn't so stupid.
